I had just started as a 9-1-1 call taker and emergency dispatcher in the fall of 2013 and I would have never imagined how much my life would change. When the idea was presented to me by my partner, that this career would be something that I could do, I really didn’t know what I was getting into. This career is so important, but rarely talked about. I always say no one thinks about 9-1-1 until they actually need it, so the industry is severely underfunded, under paid and under staffed. For a service that is necessary for emergency services to help those in need, all emergency communications personnel are the unsung first first responders.

My journey of finding myself, healing and discovering the strength to become the best version of who I wanted to be started because I realized how much my job was affecting me. It was leaking into my life and relationships. I had worked my way up and was the unofficial acting Manager of the center all while still doing my supervisor duties, working a position and “trying” to nurture my personal life. Ladies I had a lot on my plate, as the perfectionist and control freak that I am, I thought “oh yeah I can do everything myself, I got this”. I quickly learned that I, in fact did not “got this”. Throughout the 7 years I had been at the center, I never realized how much the job was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I had become withdrawn, irritable, couldn’t sleep, and had a hard time unplugging from work. My anxiety was at an all time high, because I felt as though I forgot something, or the center was going to crumble if I did not dedicate every minute of my day to it. I was taking on more and more and as you can guess I met my breaking point. It wasn’t just one thing that happened, it was a multitude of things. I was crying a lot, when I say a lot, I mean A LOT! I felt as though I couldn’t get anything done. I was snapping at my employees, my partner, and my family. It wasn’t until my partner said one day, you’ve changed and when you’re home you’re not really home. Wow, that hit me really hard, because in my mind, I wasn’t letting anyone see me cry or see that I was struggling. I did that all behind closed doors. Obviously that was not the case my stress and anxiety was seeping into everything. Even when I was getting things done, I realized it wasn’t my best work. I had no energy to give anymore, I was absolutely depleted but in my head how do I come back from this if I start to say I can’t do everything. Will people start looking at me like I can’t do my job or I am not living my life well? My entire being was that I can do this by myself, I don’t need help, that is for the weak. Ha, well ladies I can 100% tell you that is absolute BS! No one can do everything by themselves, we all need help at some point.

So after I figured out “wow I am drowning” and realizing I am doing it to myself because I am not asking for help. I put all this pressure on myself for what, so people can be like “wow she can do everything, congratulations”. Why was I doing this to myself? After some time I realized, I was pressuring myself to look perfect and the person who gets everything done because I am a people pleaser. It’s hard for me to say no or say I can’t take that on. In my head that shows weakness and people will know and whisper, “OMG look at her, wow she asked for help, oh no she can’t do her job or take care of this”. As I know now, that is exactly what I was thinking and making up in my own head. No one was thinking that or even looking at me in that way. I actually had people who wanted to help but I was refusing because I had made up this perception in my head, that I had to do these things in order to look great, strong and confident as a woman in the law enforcement field. I know now that was absolutely not how I was coming off. People could see I was stressed and frazzled. Imagine the picture of Einstein in your head, the one where his hair is every where and he looks like the mad scientist. That’s how I was feeling and I know everyone could see right through my self proclaimed strong persona.

My journey was and is slow going, because letting go and asking for help is so hard for me. I am still mastering it, but I am getting better everyday. I have learned that it’s ok to ask for help and that there are people who actually want to help! I have learned that I have to take care of myself by journaling, walking, working out, and delegating at work. These things have made so much of a difference for me. I feel lighter and I can work on those big things that I want to achieve. I have to put myself first everyday and remember it is ok to do that. So that I can take care of the people in my life. I am responsible for keeping my cup full and replenishing it.

I have seen so many women go through this. We feel like we have to do it all. We feel as though we will look incompetent or weak. But this is not the case, living is not meant to be done alone. We are not meant to shoulder all the responsibilities of our career, our home, our mental and our physical health alone. You can’t! Trust me I’ve tried. You have to create a support network that supports how you want to live. It is your life! You just have to realize that and take back that control. The inner you is screaming to come out. Let her shout and say what she has to say. You owe it to yourself to speak your truth and you’ll be amazed at who will listen because I certainly was. My mountain has definitely not been conquered but I am putting one foot right in front of the other and only looking forward from here on. Join me on this journey of conquering my mountain and maybe you’ll find some inspiration to start conquering yours.