Healing and Moving

When we are born we are completely unique and out of the trillions of chances we came into this world. Scientist say the odds of you being born is 1 in 400 trillion, think about that! Think of how amazing that truly is. You were born out of 400 trillion other possible humans that your parents could have had. We really are miracles and are unique in our own ways. Sometimes I think this world wants you to forget how unique and powerful you are. I know I certainly do and I forget that no one else is like me. We all have different perspectives and views of the world that makes everyday a new adventure.

In a world that wants to take away our individuality, how do we feel comfortable to be ourselves and not necessarily fitting in with everyone? It is human nature to want to fit in or be accepted because as Cave Men, if we weren’t accepted into a group, then that meant we were more vulnerable to attack. We are predisposed to want that acceptance and it stings when a group at work, school, or even some “friends” don’t like you. As women we are taught from an early age that acceptance is the highest form of being cool, popular, beautiful and finding a boyfriend to “complete” you. If you did not conform to this then you were ridiculed, singled out and bullied because of your “weirdness” or individuality. As we grew in adults, I think a lot of us are now seeing that our individuality is what actually makes us “cool” and our “weirdness” is what makes us, us.

About a year ago, I started to ask myself what makes me me, who am I and what are my interest? Honestly, I couldn’t answer these questions because I didn’t really know who I was. I had stopped doing things I love and I stopped asking myself these questions. Almost 10 years ago, I started to bury myself in my now career, because I did start to love it and felt I had found my purpose. Sadly, work is not the only thing in life that can give you purpose. I had lost myself way before I started my career, and I just didn’t realize it. In my 20’s, I was so worried about what everyone around me wanted for me, what was “expected” out of me, and what they thought of me, that I wasn’t asking myself “what do I want out of this life”. I was thinking, ok what does this person want for me, what can I do to keep the peace, what can I do so they are happy, instead of asking and doing things for myself. I think a lot of us fall into that trap, of “people pleasing”, because as a woman we are taught from very early on, good girls do well, get married, have kids, and live the American Dream. But really, is that what you want out of your life? If you do, I am all for it, but I realized that this “Dream” was not my dream.

What I found when I finally asked myself, what is it that I really want, I found it was something very different than what I ever dreamed it could be. I found that I want to help other women heal through their pain, find what they’ve been missing and actually do the things they want, without fear of judgment. A lot of us are naturally people pleasers, we fear disappointing those closest to us. We have to stop living in fear and actually do the things that make us happy. That is not selfish, it is ok to do things for yourself. If you do not then your cup will run empty. You will grow to resent those around you because you are constantly pouring into them but never refueling yourself. How are you going to run efficiently and be able to care for them? How can you be your best for those you love, if you are not running at your full potential? You have to take the time to take care of yourself and find your own interest in this world or you will be walking around like an empty shell of a person.

One of the first steps to finding yourself and your own interest again, is to ask the questions I asked about what I wanted out of my life. What I did to make them real and start to take charge of my life was to start journaling. Write down the questions “What do I want to do with my life?”, “What do I actually enjoy doing?”, “What refills or recharges me?”. If journaling isn’t your thing, you can do at least one thing for yourself everyday, even if it isn’t what you think is a big deal, it actually is. When was the last time you actually did something just for yourself, not for anyone else? Not with anyone else, just by yourself and for yourself. I am willing to bet that the majority of you haven’t done something for yourself in a very long time or ever. Trust me its hard, it will feel strange, and you will feel guilty because this is something you are not used to. This is all perfectly normal. But I challenge you to think of one thing you can do today just for yourself. Even if its just taking a bath, with a glass of wine and a book all by yourself, no interruptions. If that’s not possible, just taking 10 minutes to sit outside breathing and enjoying the breeze. That is still something for you and only you. One thing everyday will make a difference and help you start to realize what actually helps recharge and refuel you.

When I started to do something for myself everyday, I realized that I was more able to do things when people asked of me because I didn’t feel like I was drowning. This process is a slow one and a messy one. I am still working on my boundaries and figuring out what I actually need and not feeling guilty for saying it. But, by taking small steps for myself I am learning to love and value myself again. I wasn’t worth my own time before, so how could I be worth anyone else’s time, if I was viewing myself in that way. Now I know I am worth my time and effort to make myself feel good and whole. I am worth my time to take care of myself in however I see fit. We get one life and if we don’t take care of ourselves, who else will. This maybe morbid, but in the end all we have are ourselves. Take care of your heart, soul, and body. We only get one life and if we don’t do what is best for us, we wont ever be able to live this beautiful life to the fullest. I am certainly no longer willing to allow anyone, anything, or even myself to get in the way of that. Remember you are unique and deserve to be here! Take control of your life and live it for you! I can guarantee you that the people who truly love you will join you on your journey and make it that much more special. Shine bright and don’t let anything dull that sparkle!

I had just started as a 9-1-1 call taker and emergency dispatcher in the fall of 2013 and I would have never imagined how much my life would change. When the idea was presented to me by my partner, that this career would be something that I could do, I really didn’t know what I was getting into. This career is so important, but rarely talked about. I always say no one thinks about 9-1-1 until they actually need it, so the industry is severely underfunded, under paid and under staffed. For a service that is necessary for emergency services to help those in need, all emergency communications personnel are the unsung first first responders.

My journey of finding myself, healing and discovering the strength to become the best version of who I wanted to be started because I realized how much my job was affecting me. It was leaking into my life and relationships. I had worked my way up and was the unofficial acting Manager of the center all while still doing my supervisor duties, working a position and “trying” to nurture my personal life. Ladies I had a lot on my plate, as the perfectionist and control freak that I am, I thought “oh yeah I can do everything myself, I got this”. I quickly learned that I, in fact did not “got this”. Throughout the 7 years I had been at the center, I never realized how much the job was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I had become withdrawn, irritable, couldn’t sleep, and had a hard time unplugging from work. My anxiety was at an all time high, because I felt as though I forgot something, or the center was going to crumble if I did not dedicate every minute of my day to it. I was taking on more and more and as you can guess I met my breaking point. It wasn’t just one thing that happened, it was a multitude of things. I was crying a lot, when I say a lot, I mean A LOT! I felt as though I couldn’t get anything done. I was snapping at my employees, my partner, and my family. It wasn’t until my partner said one day, you’ve changed and when you’re home you’re not really home. Wow, that hit me really hard, because in my mind, I wasn’t letting anyone see me cry or see that I was struggling. I did that all behind closed doors. Obviously that was not the case my stress and anxiety was seeping into everything. Even when I was getting things done, I realized it wasn’t my best work. I had no energy to give anymore, I was absolutely depleted but in my head how do I come back from this if I start to say I can’t do everything. Will people start looking at me like I can’t do my job or I am not living my life well? My entire being was that I can do this by myself, I don’t need help, that is for the weak. Ha, well ladies I can 100% tell you that is absolute BS! No one can do everything by themselves, we all need help at some point.

So after I figured out “wow I am drowning” and realizing I am doing it to myself because I am not asking for help. I put all this pressure on myself for what, so people can be like “wow she can do everything, congratulations”. Why was I doing this to myself? After some time I realized, I was pressuring myself to look perfect and the person who gets everything done because I am a people pleaser. It’s hard for me to say no or say I can’t take that on. In my head that shows weakness and people will know and whisper, “OMG look at her, wow she asked for help, oh no she can’t do her job or take care of this”. As I know now, that is exactly what I was thinking and making up in my own head. No one was thinking that or even looking at me in that way. I actually had people who wanted to help but I was refusing because I had made up this perception in my head, that I had to do these things in order to look great, strong and confident as a woman in the law enforcement field. I know now that was absolutely not how I was coming off. People could see I was stressed and frazzled. Imagine the picture of Einstein in your head, the one where his hair is every where and he looks like the mad scientist. That’s how I was feeling and I know everyone could see right through my self proclaimed strong persona.

My journey was and is slow going, because letting go and asking for help is so hard for me. I am still mastering it, but I am getting better everyday. I have learned that it’s ok to ask for help and that there are people who actually want to help! I have learned that I have to take care of myself by journaling, walking, working out, and delegating at work. These things have made so much of a difference for me. I feel lighter and I can work on those big things that I want to achieve. I have to put myself first everyday and remember it is ok to do that. So that I can take care of the people in my life. I am responsible for keeping my cup full and replenishing it.

I have seen so many women go through this. We feel like we have to do it all. We feel as though we will look incompetent or weak. But this is not the case, living is not meant to be done alone. We are not meant to shoulder all the responsibilities of our career, our home, our mental and our physical health alone. You can’t! Trust me I’ve tried. You have to create a support network that supports how you want to live. It is your life! You just have to realize that and take back that control. The inner you is screaming to come out. Let her shout and say what she has to say. You owe it to yourself to speak your truth and you’ll be amazed at who will listen because I certainly was. My mountain has definitely not been conquered but I am putting one foot right in front of the other and only looking forward from here on. Join me on this journey of conquering my mountain and maybe you’ll find some inspiration to start conquering yours.